Gettin’ happy.

Writing this post and publishing it all in one go because I’ve written lots with the intention to go back and edit them and they just end up staying in my drafts until I delete them.

I’ve suffered from depression before. I’m not entirely sure where it came from but I had it while I was at school for the most part of two years from what I can remember. I didn’t do anything. I went to school after crying most mornings while getting ready, sat about not listening for 6 hours at school, walked home listening to music that numbed my brain, ate food, went upstairs and sat on the internet, again not really doing anything or getting anywhere. Some mornings I’d do last-minute homework for that day. Generally I didn’t bother and seemingly got away with it. Then the Septamber after my GCSE’s, I came back to school in a “normal” ie mentally stable state and a few weeks later a friend pointed out that I used to always say I was depressed and I didn’t anymore. Only then did I realise I wasn’t depressed anymore.

The long and the short of it is that I’m basically depressed again. It comes and goes in spurts, sometimes I’m very happy when the next day I can sit at home and cry all day. Some parts of my life I’m very happy with but there are some bits that just really get me down in the dumps like my current job situation. I work for a company I’m embarrassed to be associated with, working shitty hours for an even shittier pay. Considering I’m not at uni like every one I know, this is mostly what I spend my time doing. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was a job I didn’t mind, but its somewhere I detest. I get to spend my time serving people I used to be at school at. Its practically a nightmare. I dread meeting new people and them asking what I do which again makes it harder to make friends if I’m awkward and trying to avoid conversation which in turn leaves me feeling sad and lonely.

I’m trying to focus on diet, sleep and exercise to keep myself mentally healthy and trying to focus on trying new things and finding things I enjoy doing. I’m currently trying to empty my room of lots of junk. Just of jewellery and clothes I don’t wear anymore and so on. I have one of those money jars you break open when its full. I always said the money would go on a holiday when it was full but that really depends on when I finish it! So basically any money I get from selling my stuff, is going in that. Half of the money I make from work already goes into a savings account so there’s not really any sense in puting it in there as I’m not really short on cash! Either way, I’ll find something worthwhile to spend it on. I’m also looking in to buying a bike which would help with the exercise part as I do hardly any exercise as it is and always enjoyed cycling when I was younger. It’d also be really handy if I could cycle to college in September as I don’t want to have to pay for a bus every day now that I’m too old for a bus pass. Its cheaper, better for the environment and good exercise so there’s really no reason not to!

I found a list of vitamins that are good for increasing your mood and I may be low on. I have a fairly healthy diet but I don’t think I eat enough or get enough vitamins. My diet is too carbs based as I mostly eat bread and cereals and pasta or noodles so I need to branch out more and include fruit and veg more.

The other thing I said I would do is focus on sleep because I know at the minute my sleep pattern is very poor but I find it difficult to go to bed early. I’m going to work on it though and try and read or do something that doesn’t include the computer etc for half an hour to an hour before bed so I can get relaxed and then drift off to sleep but of course, thats a lot easier said than done.

I’m going to focus on doing things for guides so that can easily be done before bed. My only worry is now knowing when to stop and staying up later! But it gives me a project to work on that I want to do and will hopefully do well.

So, all in all, thats my plan. Hopefully it will work and i’ll be happier with myself by the end of it.


Adopted a snow leopard and life musings.

If anyone on here follows me on twitter, you’ll know that I adopted a snow leopard a few days ago. The adoption pack arrived today so I wanted to go over all the stuff that was in it and what the money goes towards so hopefully it will be useful in case anyone wonders what you actually get out of it and what your £3 (or you can offer more) a month does.

It came in just a plain brown box and was quite small. I’d glad because it shows that they really are trying everything to not waste resources. Too often do I order things which come in massive boxes for something so small. (My post on my Hello Drama necklace demonstrates this perfectly. It’s box was unneeded really – it could have easily came in an envelope with bubble wrap. It had that foamy stuff for protection but it had fallen down to the bottom anyway in transit so it can’t have made much different really.)

Included in the package is the snow leopard cuddly toy as promised. The tag has a nice picture of one and says “endangered species” on the front and has a couple of facts about snow leopards inside. Its something small but it really looks like every effort has been made and I’m sure its made to a high standard.

There was also a letter basically thanking us for adopting and some information on the payment methods and such.

Then there’s the actual adoption pack. It includes an adoption certificate but they also emailed a pdf one which is useful if you’re sharing it as we are so everyone can have one.

There’s a booklet on what the WWF do in all of the areas they work in including information on forests, climate change and carbon footprint. There’s a lot of info on how they’ve helped over the years which is really nice.

There‘s also a leaflet with information on snow leopards themselves which is really interesting.

And last but not least, there’s a page of stickers and a few bookmarks which are really nice as well. It’s really good because its something my little sister would be more interested in rather than reading about what the WWF have done as I can’t imagine her being too interested in that.

That’s about it really. They’ll send out more updates throughout the year (I think you get 3 updates a year so we’ll see what those are like). It’s just really nice to know that I’m helping something whenever I don’t feel so active. I’m so busy at the minute that I can’t be physically helping much anyway.

The only other thing I would say is that you don’t adopt a specific animal which a lot of people seem to think. Your money goes towards specific programmes which they implement to make sure that they can get enough food and can breed and are generally not being put in any danger by people ruining their habitats and so on as they are an endangered species. The money is really worth it though and I would strongly advise it if you’re thinking about adopting an animal. Even if you don’t want a long-term committment, you could still donate.

Something else that made me want to adopt (aside from my mother suggesting it) is that my boyfriend went to a Party Conference last saturday and he brought me some leaflets about WWF from there. I had no idea they did anything in Northern Ireland! This actually makes me see them in a much better light! Usually it seems that no one does anything here. For the most part it seems like there are some places to adopt dogs/cats and that’s about it. I’ve had trouble finding people to do animal welfare/rights related events with so I’m surprised really especially because I had never heard of it before.

Their main priorities in Northern Ireland are

  • Safeguarding our rivers and lakes
  • Safeguarding our marine environment
  • Climate Change
  • Sustainability

so it’s not really animal oriented but they’re definitely looking at things that need to be changed and I’m really pleased they are!

So yes, all in all this was a good investment and its made me see Northern Ireland in a whole different light as I know the kind of things I’m interested in are actually happening here. This is really useful to me, especially now because at the minute I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it into uni in September. My grades simply aren’t good enough no matter how hard I try so hopefully I can find something. It’s also made me think about joining the Green Party but I’ll be waiting until after exams to fully look into that.

When You Wish Upon A Star…

Another year, yet another attempt to revive my blog. I don’t know how many times I’ve done this now but I think the majority of my posts start with something similar to this. I’ve also just remembered how difficult I find it to not end sentences without “haha” or without smileys so we’ll see how this goes.

Anyway since the last time I was here I’ve had a job in the Disney Store. It was only a temporary Christmas position which is why I don’t have it anymore. I waited long and hard for this job which is why it meant so much to me when I got it. Disney thought I was good enough for them and they only hire the best! I had went in a few times previously to ask if they were looking for any new cast members and the answer was always no. Finally in October, someone posted on Facebook that they were going to the Disney Store the next day to get an application form so the next day I went down myself and sure enough, they had a sign in the window saying they were hiring.

They said only delivery positions were available which I was fine with. It would mean taking stuff from deliveries etc upstairs and working backstage which I maybe might have preferred now that I know what working on stage is like. It required a lot of talking to people which definitely isn’t my strong point and the managers told me off a lot at the start for not engaging in conversation with guests a lot more which is fair enough.

Cast members are treated extremely well at Disney. You get a very good wage and I felt like I was genuinely helping the company through every person I got to buy something extra or helped in any way. At Christmas, cast members get a bauble and a card which you can’t buy anywhere. The bauble says “Cast Exclusive 2011” on it and means a lot to me that the company sent one out for everyone, even the temps who are the lowest of the low.

It’s even better that they’re ones you can’t buy and the card had a pin on it too (which I especially liked as our Store doesn’t sell pins any more). The only thing that did annoy me is the amount of overtime I did without being paid for it. I had quite a few shifts that were supposed to end at 10pm but we simply weren’t finished setting up the store so some night we would only be leaving at half past. You also had to be on stage 10 mins before your shift starts to get your brief but couldn’t leave 10 mins before it ended even though the next cast members starting should have been there by then so you were

doing an extra 10 mins every shift if you were on time and were told off if you weren’t even though your shift hadn’t even started yet.  Cast members got a decent discount in the store but you are told specifically that there will be consequences if they find out you are buying things for your friends or family. You can buy Christmas/Birthday presents for them but they can’t ask you to get them something just because you’ll get it cheaper.

I’m not sure if working at the Disney Store enhanced my view of the company or made it slightly worse because I saw the stock come in and it didn’t mean anything to me.  I saw hundreds and hundreds of the same items in the stockroom and it made me more cautious of what I buy there because now I kind of think I don’t need it. I’ll probably still get a few things. I’d like a tramp plush because I got Lady for my birthday last year but since I finished I have only been in once to give my costume back. It’s a pity you had to give your name badge back too because I would have honestly loved to keep it. I realise now how much work goes into Disney and it makes me appreciate each cast member a lot more. I still kind of want to work at one of the parks. I did always want to and the store seemed like the next best thing closer to home but now I’ve already done that. I also think that it might be easier to get another job as other employees know that Disney only look for the best. In general, I think it’s really helped my self-esteem as it was someone I really wanted to work for and I passed the interviews and it seemed that they really wanted me too. Especially as I’ve considered myself a failure in so many aspects, this is definitely a positive move for me even if it is over. In fact, it probably is better that I only had a temporary position because I see it more as a once in a lifetime opportunity than just my job which I think it would have come to if I’d been there longer and I’d like to only see it positively, even if I did have a few bad days, but that’s the same with every job.

Hoping to actually update this blog more often again! I just need topics to write about!

“Until the very end”

General note: This blog post is a bit of a mess because I’m doing it hurriedly cos I wanted to get it done before midnight but I will fix it and edit it properly soon :D

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out 4 years ago today. At the time this was the biggest thing in the world for me. I waited the majority of my life for that book and read every webpage about Harry Potter I could. I still have a folder of things I had printed out before the release of book 7 (I’ve called it book 7 since the 1st time I read Philosopher’s Stone because it (obviously) didn’t have a title yet and it’s what everyone called it. I still call it that because it reminds me of the hours I spent researching that book and how completely mysterious it was to everyone for years) and I’m still amazed at how close some things were. I knew who R.A.B. was (although I know loads of people did) and I’d vaguely figured out other things like where the locket went as such although actually you couldn’t have figured out anything more than that. Anyway, Harry Potter was pretty much th biggest thing in my life. It was a lot of what I talked about but it goes beyond a mere obsession. To me it seemed like it was the only thing I was “good at”. I didn’t really have any hobbies or any skills except harry potter (Side note: Its dawning on me now that this could seem insanely pathetic but it is 100% true. I am literally not good at anything…not that I’m bad at everything but there’s nothing I have a real knack for) and it had completely filled my life with love and magic constantly. Every time I turned those pages I felt the same happiness/sadness/excitement for what was going on. When I read the last book I felt heartbroken. It’s amazing to read the end and know every thing turns out alright but it saddens me that I can never read the first 4 or 5 books and think I’ve discovered something new because everything was wrapped up perfectly.

Now that the final film has been released we really can put a wrap on the most brilliant series of our generation and I am 100% proud to say that I was part of it. I went to school with Harry, Ron and Hermione and fought Voldemort with them. The books still make me laugh and cry and I cherish the time I spent at Hogwarts.

My main point here is that it isn’t over and will never be over. I’m currently reading the whole series with my friend Tascha which I am so completely excited for. We agree that the earlier books are more fun when the wizarding world isn’t scared for their lives and Harry, Ron and Hermione and creeping around Hogwarts in the dead of night.

I’m also getting a Harry Potter tattoo. No immediate plans (although I want it soon) but I need to decide on what I want or I’ll end up with more than one (although that wouldn’t be bad to be fair). I do love the idea of a dark mark but the “It’s real for us” quote seems more apt (although that’s probably more of a Snape/Lily thing which I was never really into until it was actually in the last book). I’m hoping I’ll find something during this read through.

And now I’m off to watch Philosopher’s Stone. I will be weeping at the end (Honestly the soundtrack – Leaving Hogwarts makes me cry so much. Whoever’s idea it was to put it in Deathly Hallows part 2 deserves the philosopher’s stone).

“Whether you come back by film or by page, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.”

— J.K. Rowling

There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Due to the face that we have to do film studies coursework entailing a storyboard for a film (we have to take pictures as if they’re in the film) I’ve been a bit obsessed with zombies today. I mean, I like zombies, Zombieland is one of my favourite films. I want a tattoo saying “Rule #32” because of it…take that whichever way you want to. Last night I attempted Zombie makeup with whatever I had lying around my room which was a bit of a fail and ended up like this:

Not sure why I did that actually…nor why I didn’t add any of the fake blood I have. It would look alright from a distance but I hate when people attempt zombie makeup and have the face ridiculously white so it just looks like face paint…which it is. You’re supposed to look ill! Inspired from my time watching some youtube videos on how to create zombie wounds etc I went to Craftworld today to see if there was anything that could possibly help considering I have to actually take pictures of people eating brains etc. I got my two types of fake blood there like a year ago so I was thinking I’d be able to find something but to no avail! I was actually hoping for some liquid latex seeing as that seems to be the best. There was only face paint which only works to a certain extent (kids’ Hallowe’en parties…although actually covering your face in scars and stuff for a Hallowe’en party probably isn’t the best idea either) so I’m going to have to find it somewhere else (difficult) or find an alternative (even more difficult).

In other zombie news I now have a zombie tshirt wishlist except not really because I don’t want them enough to actually buy them myself but as far as zombie tshirts go, they’re pretty snazzy.

Source: Amazon.

Rules of Zombieland. I saw ones ages ago with 32 rules or something on it which the makers of the tshirt has guessed. Good but with a possible sequel I wouldn’t buy it…cos it would be wrong.

Source: Cafepress

I’m only including this one because the font looks like it actually does in the film unlike all the other ones which are just orange or something. And this could be incentive to go to the gym. Except I don’t. And zombies would probably be the only reason I would. So maybe I should start. Or something. “When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties.”

Source: Amazon

I swear I’m actually not obsessed with Zombieland. I just like these ones! I like this because it looks like you won Zombie Kill of the Week and got a tshirt for it :P And I was just thinking what a good tshirt this would be and then found it :)

Source: Amazon

This happens to be a Shaun of the Dead tshirt with all the weapons they used in the film. But considering I only have the zombie survival guide book on my computer, it would come in handy. Its easier to carry.

Source: Cafepress

I enjoy this. Not entirely sure why. I like the tagline. Could come in handy.

i think that’s enough, don’t you? there’s also an “Alice in Zombieland” book coming out similar to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and all that jazz. Sounds good. My two favourite things combined :) Wish I’d writter it now. And I know its not like the film Zombieland. Its the zombie equivalent of Wonderland. Yupp.

So basically, I need to figure out how to do Zombie makeup and make it look good. For a first attempt that took about 10 minutes without any forward planning, using only what I had in my room I did alright really. Should have used fake blood though. And once I get glue I shall attempt to use papier maché.

My necklace arrived from Hello Drama today! :D

Got home from college today and my package from Hello Drama was waiting for me! The necklace looks exactly as it was pictures (surprisingly! but sometimes when you get stuff online or go into the shop and see them, they aren’t exactly what you thought they would look like!) I’m actually so stoked to get out and wear it!

Sorry for the pathetic picture!

The camera pendant says 2012 on it (so if the world ends then, it’ll never go out of date :P) and a heart with an arrow through it. It has a bunch of stones all over it too. The “photos” are spaced slightly further up the chain on either side and are connected into the chain so they stay in the right place and you don’t lose them. One has a lightning bolt and the other has a heart with the peace sign in it and they both have tiny wee hearts in the corner. They’re actually surprisingly intricately detailed which was a nice surprise.

Also got this card in it which will probably be stuck on my wall when I get more Blu Tack.

There were a bunch of those wee polystyrene thingies in the box to protect it from damage but obviously I, being a child, was far too excited for this. Unfortunately they’re only in the shape of an S and a E. I tried to write sex…it didn’t work haha.

That second picture was so you could see the stamps because it came from LA but due to my crap camera you can’t! If I ever do get a clearer picture I’ll put it up!

I got this necklace for free via Nylon Pink‘s street team. By completing challenges to help the band out you get a certain amount of points and you can buy items from their Hello Drama range with those points. Of course, you could just buy the jewellery yourself but this way you have to work for it ;)

I apologise for the photos. My camera didn’t want to focus on anything ¬.¬ but I hope I gave enough detail anyway. The original listing is here.

Going Away To College

I haven’t posted in a while and seeing as my last post was about how I was shatting myself about starting college I though I’d write this one about college seeing as I’ve started now.

The first day was nowhere near as terrible as I thought it would be. In fact, it wasn’t bad at all. My bus leaves at 8 and I got there at about 10 to 9 which is a long time for a bus but as its so busy in the morning, it stops at almost every stop which is extremely annoying. To make a long story short I got there and noone spoke to each other etc as they didn’t really know anyone else so that was good. If loads of people had already known each other I think I would have died.

Anyway, this is the second week in and I’m actually loving it (which is strange seeing as I’ve hated school my whole life). It makes me realise how much I really did hate school. At college the teachers are only concerned with why they are there; TO TEACH, not to lecture you. They don’t care what you look like, because it makes no difference to them. You’re treated like an adult in that you do not have to ask to go to the bathroom or told what to do outside of classes or anything.  You are treated like an adult human individual, not a candidate number. The fact that so many people come from so many different backgrounds is really cool too. I know that I wouldn’t have met half of these people otherwise as a lot if them haven’t even heard of the area I live in (and I thought it was well-known, haha). It’s also nice to be back in a mixed school again. Not that it really adds anything else apart from the fact there are hot people to stare at all the time now. I like being able to go in when you only have classes too. I’d be bored out of my mind otherwise and to be honest there wouldn’t be anywhere for everyone to go.

It’s in a really beautiful building too. As Tascha pointed out, it’s not so beautiful on the inside. It doesn’t look all that bad but it looks normal in comparison to the outside. Having to go to classes on the fourth floor and so on makes it seem even more like Hogwarts which it reminds me of anyway.

The only slight downside is that loads of people smoke. I mean, they all go outside and everything (obviously =P) but a lot of teachers give you a break in the middle of the class which a lot of people go for a smoke in. I don’t really mind but in a few classes, like film studies, the people who I would chat to who smoke sit between me and the people I would chat to who don’t smoke so they leave and there’s a gap between us. Its weird. it makes me look like a loner even though technically I’m with them.

I’m going to see Disney On Ice on Saturday so expect a blog post about that :).