I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself

The title is kind of referring to the song. It’s actually what I’m talking about but I remembered that song when I was thinking of a title cos I had it in the first guitar book I had which I accidentally broke the CD of by rolling my computer chair over it like 4 years ago. Interesting, I know.

I really hate school and I’ve sworn to myself that I am never to go back. This means that I will be attending BMC (Belfast Metropolitan College) in September even though I’ll be doing pretty much the same thing. I have no idea what I’ll do if I don’t get in. I hate school enough to not want to go back but at the same time it seems like the easiest option. I wouldn’t have to bother trying to make friends with people who have already been there a year and are already in groups and sit at certain tables. together. I wouldn’t have to think about what I’m going to wear everyday cos I just get the shitty school uniform. I wouldn’t have to worry about missing buses (not that that worries me) or having to wait another hour to wait toΒ  get home and I would not have to worry about the general social awkwardness that comes with going to a new place and meeting strangers. It’s hard because it would be ridiculously easier to go back to school because obviously all my friends will still be there but then again there are all the reasons I hate school and decided to leave in the first place.

I thought all this through yesterday as I genuinely thought about going back to school. It was a momentary relapse as I realised that three out of four of the subjects I have applied to do, I have already done one year of so I would be coming in with only one year left and I doubt there are many, if any, people who are doing the same thing as me so there will be no more new people in those classes. There is only one new class I have applied to start which should be okay because everyone is new there.

There is a night to go and meet everyone but it’s probably only a few days before term starts and I still don’t really know whats happening. Neither me nor Amanda (who is also going) have got letters back to say we’ve been accepted so everything is a bit tense.

The main problem I have is that they might say you can’t even just do the second year of courses in which case most other classes are probably full so what can I do?

I’ve also started thinking that maybe I should have decided to do an actual course instead of A-Levels just because I think it would be far more interesting and I might actually enjoy it then but seeing as I don’t know what I want to do at uni that could be very difficult and considering the kind of stuff that’s available in Belfast Met there isn’t a lot I’d want to do.

I don’t particularly want to go to university. I already hate school enough so university isn’t really a place I want to be either but I actually think its more about finding something you’re interested in. If I were doing a subject I actually wanted to study then I wouldn’t have to think twice about it. At the minute I’m actually between Egyptology and Parapsychology i.e. Ghosthunting but I actually can’t find any courses for it on UCAS. They all seem to be those online ones you pay for and do at your leisure which is even better cos then I could do both. I actually think paleontology would be amazing too but if I had to choose between it and Egyptology it would lose so I’m not going to mention it cos it’ll just give me another choice and it’ll be harder for me to choose even though I probably wouldn;’t choose it in the end.

I’m actually really interested in the paranormal. Not just spirits and so on but UFOs as well and I recently discovered the UFO Society of Ireland and the Northern Ireland Paranormal Research Association and I think it would be both fun and useful if I did an online degree or whatever and worked with them a bit on the side if possible.

I’m also trying to get my YouTube channel up and running. I can see myself doing daily vlogs in the future (I’d do them now if I thought they’d be interesting enough!) but I obviously need a big enough subscriber base first so I’m trying my best at filming and writing shows and watching them and deleting them cos they all turn out crap. Not really. My main problem is that I don’t have a good enough camera. I don’t even have a webcam or else I’d use that so as much as I’m trying to sort that out I don’t think there’s much I can do at present except save up.

One of the cast members in the Disney Store told me before that they are probably going to hire new cast members when they reopen on the 18th so I’m going to sit tomorrow and fix my CV so I’m overly prepared just in case. Otherwise, it needs done anyway so it’ll save me doing it at a later time when I don’t actually have time to do it.

Also, seeing as I only seem to be talking about jobs today, my dad asks me every summer if I want to go to work with him, He only needs me on Tuesdays and Thursdays and last Thursday I went for the first time this summer. Already, that’s really late so I was kinda annoyed that even if I went every Tuesday and thursday till the end of Summer, I wouldn’t get all that much money and I’m saving up for an iPhone. On Tuesday I had to go and get my 3rd cervical cancer injection so my mum said she would drop me off at my dads work after but then he said he’d phone when he was there cos he didn’t know how busy he was going to be. A few hours later he phoned to say he was too busy and for some reason he was going to pick me up at 10 today and now its 20 past 4. It’s actually extremely irritating. I was only going to earn money and now he won’t even take me even though I showered and got up early and everything. I’m still sitting here ready actually. the most annoying thing is that you don’t know if he’s going to appear or not so you can’t really sit doing anything or you’ll have to just get up and go. I actually turned my computer off this morning in case that was the case but I got the better of myself and turned it on again after a while which was obviously a good decision.

So yeah, basically I don’t have a job but I’d like one and I’m nervous about going to BMC. I’d like to go on ghost hunts sometime and actually I kinda wish I had done that this summer or had someone as interested in it as me that I could do it with. I still really want to work in Disneyland and I’m still concerned about Egyptology cos I think I’d been a PhD but I don’t think id have enough money to go to uni for 6 years.

I also feel as if this is one of the longest blog posts I’ve ever done but I’m not sure. If you want to help me with any of the above topics feel free to comment below =P

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