Writing this post and publishing it all in one go because I’ve written lots with the intention to go back and edit them and they just end up staying in my drafts until I delete them.

I’ve suffered from depression before. I’m not entirely sure where it came from but I had it while I was at school for the most part of two years from what I can remember. I didn’t do anything. I went to school after crying most mornings while getting ready, sat about not listening for 6 hours at school, walked home listening to music that numbed my brain, ate food, went upstairs and sat on the internet, again not really doing anything or getting anywhere. Some mornings I’d do last-minute homework for that day. Generally I didn’t bother and seemingly got away with it. Then the Septamber after my GCSE’s, I came back to school in a “normal” ie mentally stable state and a few weeks later a friend pointed out that I used to always say I was depressed and I didn’t anymore. Only then did I realise I wasn’t depressed anymore.

The long and the short of it is that I’m basically depressed again. It comes and goes in spurts, sometimes I’m very happy when the next day I can sit at home and cry all day. Some parts of my life I’m very happy with but there are some bits that just really get me down in the dumps like my current job situation. I work for a company I’m embarrassed to be associated with, working shitty hours for an even shittier pay. Considering I’m not at uni like every one I know, this is mostly what I spend my time doing. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was a job I didn’t mind, but its somewhere I detest. I get to spend my time serving people I used to be at school at. Its practically a nightmare. I dread meeting new people and them asking what I do which again makes it harder to make friends if I’m awkward and trying to avoid conversation which in turn leaves me feeling sad and lonely.

I’m trying to focus on diet, sleep and exercise to keep myself mentally healthy and trying to focus on trying new things and finding things I enjoy doing. I’m currently trying to empty my room of lots of junk. Just of jewellery and clothes I don’t wear anymore and so on. I have one of those money jars you break open when its full. I always said the money would go on a holiday when it was full but that really depends on when I finish it! So basically any money I get from selling my stuff, is going in that. Half of the money I make from work already goes into a savings account so there’s not really any sense in puting it in there as I’m not really short on cash! Either way, I’ll find something worthwhile to spend it on. I’m also looking in to buying a bike which would help with the exercise part as I do hardly any exercise as it is and always enjoyed cycling when I was younger. It’d also be really handy if I could cycle to college in September as I don’t want to have to pay for a bus every day now that I’m too old for a bus pass. Its cheaper, better for the environment and good exercise so there’s really no reason not to!

I found a list of vitamins that are good for increasing your mood and I may be low on. I have a fairly healthy diet but I don’t think I eat enough or get enough vitamins. My diet is too carbs based as I mostly eat bread and cereals and pasta or noodles so I need to branch out more and include fruit and veg more.

The other thing I said I would do is focus on sleep because I know at the minute my sleep pattern is very poor but I find it difficult to go to bed early. I’m going to work on it though and try and read or do something that doesn’t include the computer etc for half an hour to an hour before bed so I can get relaxed and then drift off to sleep but of course, thats a lot easier said than done.

I’m going to focus on doing things for guides so that can easily be done before bed. My only worry is now knowing when to stop and staying up later! But it gives me a project to work on that I want to do and will hopefully do well.

So, all in all, thats my plan. Hopefully it will work and i’ll be happier with myself by the end of it.